Why “Just Relax" and "It Will Work” Is One of the Most Harmful Comments for Couples Facing Infertility
“Just relax, and it will work…”
On the surface, this phrase might seem harmless or even well-meaning. But for couples navigating the emotional and physical toll of infertility, it’s one of the most painful and frustrating things to hear. What sounds like a simple piece of advice can have a much deeper and unintended impact. Let’s unpack why this statement is so harmful and what you can do instead to offer genuine support to loved ones going through infertility.
The Unseen Weight Behind the Words
When someone says, “just relax,” they may not realise the hidden message they’re sending. For the person on the receiving end, the implication is often that their stress or anxiety is the reason they’re not getting pregnant—that they are somehow to blame for their infertility. This adds an unnecessary layer of guilt to an already heartbreaking situation.
For couples who desperately want to conceive, every month without a positive test feels like another wave of disappointment. The idea that their emotional state might be sabotaging their chances amplifies feelings of self-blame and isolation. Worse, it often seems like the blame falls squarely on the woman—suggesting that she is the reason, as if her stress alone is preventing pregnancy. This unfairly shifts the responsibility onto her shoulders.
The reality, however, is far more complicated than a simple “just relax.” Reducing infertility to a mindset issue trivialises the complex medical, emotional, and physical challenges these couples are facing.
The Myth of Stress and Infertility
One of the most persistent misconceptions about infertility is the idea that stress causes it. While it’s true that mental health and infertility are linked—30-40% of women and 10-20% of men struggling with infertility also suffer from anxiety or depression—there is no strong evidence that stress alone causes infertility.
In fact, far more studies show no direct connection between stress and conception rates than the few that suggest otherwise. Meta-analyses, which compile and analyse results from multiple studies, consistently find little evidence to support the claim that stress is a significant factor in infertility. So why do we keep perpetuating this myth?
While stress can affect behaviour—such as reducing the frequency of sex or encouraging unhealthy habits like smoking or alcohol use—it’s not the root cause of infertility. Some of the highest birth rates occur in areas facing extreme stress, such as war-torn regions or those experiencing famine. If stress were the primary cause of infertility, wouldn’t these areas have the lowest fertility rates?
Additionally, we saw an increase in births globally, including in Ireland, during the stressful period of the COVID-19 pandemic. This raises an important question: if stress were a direct cause of infertility, why did so many pregnancies occur during one of the most stressful times in recent history?
Moreover, if stress were a well-established cause of infertility, wouldn’t stress evaluation be a part of standard fertility assessments? Yet no fertility society includes stress as a cause of infertility in their guidelines.
The Emotional Toll of Misguided Advice
Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary, “just relax” remains one of the most common pieces of advice given to infertile couples. But for the person hearing it, this advice can feel dismissive of their real pain. Over time, these types of comments can make couples withdraw from their support networks, fearing further judgment or blame. They may begin to internalise shame, guilt, and fear, isolating themselves.
However, infertility does not have to be a lonely journey. With proper support from loved ones, people facing infertility can find solace and strength. It’s essential to recognise that well-meaning advice like “just relax” often causes more harm than good. Instead, by simply being there—by listening, showing compassion, and refraining from unhelpful advice—friends and family can play a pivotal role in ensuring couples don’t feel alone.
Infertility is a complex medical condition that requires understanding, not simplistic advice. When we suggest someone "relax" as a solution, we unintentionally dismiss the very real challenges they are experiencing. In some cases, these comments may even contribute to a couple feeling so hopeless that they stop trying altogether.
A Shift in Perspective: Support Over Solutions
As a society, we need to shift our focus from offering quick fixes to providing real, meaningful support. Angela Lawson, a psychologist who specialises in infertility, summed it up well: “Stress has not been shown to cause infertility, but stress can affect us emotionally. Let’s focus on helping people cope with their stress, rather than blaming them for their difficulty conceiving.”
The best thing you can do for someone going through infertility is to offer your support—without judgment or unsolicited advice. Listen to them. Be present. Acknowledge their pain. Instead of offering suggestions to "fix" the problem, focus on being a source of comfort and understanding. Sometimes, a hug or a listening ear means far more than any words.
The Bottom Line
Infertility is a deeply personal and emotional experience. It’s not something that can be resolved by simply “relaxing.” The next time you feel the urge to offer advice to someone struggling to conceive, remember that what they need most is empathy, not solutions. Your love, your willingness to listen, and your genuine support will be far more valuable than any advice you could give.
At the end of the day, true support can make the journey through infertility less isolating. Let’s focus on giving that support to the people we care about, and leave the medical advice to the professionals.
Written by Dr Hans Arce Saenz